A family is a system

A family is a system, which means that families follow some basic rules of cause and effect which all systems follow.

So what are the basic rules of cause and effect which all systems follow? 

If you consider all the phenomena for any given system, a small number of those phenomena are the causes and the rest are the effects of those causes. If you pull one lever, that single event could have cascading effects.

But of course some causes do not have much effect. So how do we know which causes have huge cascading effects and which ones have negligible consequence? 

More importantly, regarding human relationships, what are those few causes with huge cascading effects and which ones have negligible consequence? 

I’ll tell you what I understood as a child. I did not like liars. And I did not like mean people. And today it’s the same. I believe the most important things in relationships are honesty and kindness.

Do you want your children to seek your help when they need it? Your children will only do that if they believe you won’t lie and won’t be mean.

If you instead lie and be mean to your child (for his best interest, according to you, but not him), he will not trust you. And he’ll likely resort to the same tactics, lying to you and being mean to you. 

In other words, if you initiate coercion on your child, you’re teaching him that the right response to not getting what you want is to initiate coercion. And then he’ll use that new-found knowledge anytime he doesn’t get what he wants.